How An Indoor Kitty Becomes An Outdoor Kitty

Maybe you remember that earlier in the year we obtained two kittens. Kittens are super adorable. I love kittens. The major problem with all kittens is that when they grow up they become cats. I hate cats. Unfortunately for me my wife loves cats and pretty much any living creature.

Since our kittens grew up into cats all I have pretty much done is bitch and complain about them. I have made myself known quite vocally in regards to how I wish they were gone and how they climb over everything and get into too much stuff, etc. This really annoys me.

One of our cats (Paige) more than the other (Piper) tends to cause a majority of the ruckus. She climbs the entertainment center and knocks stuff off. She climbs the curtains bending the rods. She jumps up and walks on our kitchen counters and the top of the refrigerator. She climbs on the fireplace mantle and dvd cabinet where there is no room for her and knocks stuff off.

I have complained and complained for months with my wife pretty much ignoring me. That is, she ignored me until this afternoon.

Normally when we get home from work my wife will unlock the door and let our pooch out to do his business and then begin the process of winding down and thinking about getting dinner ready. I usually drag up the rear, putting the trash bin in the back yard or getting the mail. Today I was a tad bit slower than usual and I am quite thankful. When I eventually walked in the house I heard banging and there was a general sense of pure anger hanging over the place.

As I peered into the door to see what was the matter I noticed my wife moving quite swiftly around the house. Something to my left caught my eye which immediately allowed my mind to grasp what was happening. It was an extrication.

My wife was stalking Paige like the Indians tracked buffalo. She had even managed to find her mittens as protection just in case she caught the fleeing cat. You see, Paige is also very dangerous. Once as I tried to pick her up, without any malice mind you, she attacked me biting my finger to the bone. I thought I would require stitches. The School Girl was making sure that she did not make this same mistake.

Eventually I joined in the hunt and together we caught poor Miss Paige. My wife took her outside and placed her on the back porch slamming the door behind. As of this moment Paige is still outside and I think she is loving it. She always seemed like the one that wanted to go play outside. Piper would prefer a nap curled up on a pillow.

I think that this new living arrangement may stick. Even though my wife feels terrible to the point of tears for tossing the cat out of doors I think she realizes that it is for the best. How much other stuff may happen? So I am sure you are wondering what exactly the cat did? Here you go:

It was my wife’s favorite vase. No there wasn’t any sentimental value and it was not a super expensive piece but I think it was just the whole idea that we wouldn’t be able to have anything nice anymore as long as Paige was indoors. And that is how an indoor cat becomes an outdoor cat. Voila!

What Do(ral) You Have In That Case?

I sure am having a heck of a time keeping up with this whole NaBloPoMo thing like Holly and some of you others but luckily The School Girl prompted me to remember a story that at least I find amusing.

Several years ago I was working for a check printing company in Antioch. Actually it was more like a decade ago. We had this guy who was our lead person over there who went by the name Bo. Now Bo wasn’t his real name or anything it’s just that everyone called him that. He used to talk in this voice and accent that was eerily similar to that Boomhauer guy from King Of The Hill. It was a big mess of mumbles and light redneck speech.

Anyway, eventually Bo gets promoted to a new position, Production Manager, which sounds fancy but really just meant that he got paid a little more and had more stress and did less work. He was pretty much worthless, just ask G-Man, he worked there too. Once this happened he began carrying around this ratty, old briefcase. We never really knew what this guy had in there.

I used to work the graveyard shift and Bo would come in pretty early in the morning to check on us. One morning as he was coming in for the day I met him in his office where he promptly popped open his briefcase. My curiosities could not be contained so I decided to peer into the case clandestinely. The only thing that was in there, the only thing at all…about a carton worth of Doral cigarettes.

Sometimes you just have to keep your valuables locked up from us scrubs at work. You sure don’t want anyone touching them and you just have to be sure you have enough smokes. Sheesh. How redneck.