Oooh That Smell

How long do two people have to be married that when one of them passes gas (poots, farts) while in the same room as their partner that the other doesn’t even look in that direction? For me, that total is 3 years and 359 days.

This evening as I was watching a TiVo‘d program of VH1 Classic’s Classic Albums featuring Phil Collins‘ Face Value and The School Girl was getting to the end of The Bastard by one of my favorite authors, John Jakes, I felt the urge. You know, my stomach started to rumble and then I just had to…well…pass gas (taint the air, squeeze a barking spider, step on a duck). This is a natural thing of course, and we all do it, but usually my turns at passing gas (cutting the cheese, crop dusting) garner at least an ugly look by my wife. This time she didn’t even flinch. For some reason this made me think of two stories that relate directly to passing gas (pushing out an air turd, fluttering the sheets). One is my own and one is from my Pops.

My story begins innocently enough. I was working at the local branch of a major computer manufacturer over by the airport. The building over there is three floors. Those of us who, at that time, were in the sales department had been in the process of moving from the bottom floor to the top floor. Almost nobody worked on the second floor. At least I didn’t think anyone worked there.

One day I was riding the elevator from the top floor to the bottom floor. I had just stepped into the lift, alone mind you, when I felt that urge. I, being completely alone, weighed my options. I decided that if I passed gas (floated an air biscuit, ripped one) in the elevator I would be safer than if I waited to get out because there would be more people around. Besides, NO ONE ever gets on the elevator at the middle floor. So, I passed gas (ripped my pants, burned a hole in the ozone).

**DING**

The damned elevator stopped on the second floor. Two hot young ladies entered. They looked at each other with grim faces. I looked at the top of my shoes. As I walked out of the elevator on the bottom floor, I swear I heard snickering.

My favorite flatulence story is my Pops’ (sorry Pops but I have to tell this one). It takes place many years ago. My parents had generously taken me (and probably others) to a meal at Cracker Barrel, although I cannot remember if it was breakfast or not (man that really bugs me). The meal was completed and we were lingering, as all patrons do, in the store perusing the candies and Hank CDs and stuffed animals and dishes. Pops apparently had stepped into the bathroom to…well, use the bathroom, geez. All of a sudden we noticed that he was walking with a purpose and heading to the exit saying, “Hurry up, we gotta go, I’ll tell you later!” He seemed to have a slight smirk on his face.

We, of course, were extremely curious. The following scenario was described in the van:

Pops was standing at a urinal doing his business when he felt the urge to pass gas (rumble one, launch a wifter) but noticed that someone was using a stall. He decided to quell the urge as best as he could when all of a sudden an echo emanated from the toilet bowl beside him.

Obviously this now gave Pops free reign to let loose with the bowels of hell (oops, I mean, pass gas) which I am sure that he did because the little old man in the stall next to him uttered a single phrase. A phrase that made Pops leave the restaurant with an urgency:

“You win!”

Instead of dueling banjos, it was dueling farts.

Anyway, I figured that I needed to tell some fairly low brow stories today since…ahem, I AM NOW ON VACATION! I am not quite sure what that has to do with low brow stories but I just wanted to make that announcement.

Washed By The Water

I read here that this week was the second anniversary of Hurricane Katrina. It definitely was a sad time and is terrible what happened in New Orleans. One thing that came out of all of it that I enjoy is this little ditty from Franklin rocker Will Hoge called “Washed By The Water”. A little birdie tells me this will be on his new record that is due to drop in October.

Fantasy Football 2007

After months and months of waiting it is finally here. Yes, that’s right…Fantasy Football season is upon us! Our league, amusingly entitled The WTFL, drafted at 5:00am today and as you guessed it I was not in front of my computer. I was busy shuffling around trying to wake up and get ready for work. Anyway, here is my team, what do you think?:

(click to embiggen)

I have a pretty good feeling about it. A little notice to G-Man, La Hermana, Michael TD and those other scrubs in our league: prepare to bow down to my superiority of playing fake football. Oh and as for my wife who is playing fantasy football for the very first time: good luck honey (but I still want to beat you too!).

Pet Peeves

Hey you @sshole drivers. The HOV lane is not for you all by yourself. High Occupancy Vehicle. Get it? If you are by yourself in that lane it is a crime so stay off of my @ss when my wife and I are driving in it like law abiding citizens. Douche bags! (I believe I owe my nephews, Snake and The Evil One, $5.00 for that last word. Ooops!)

Happy Birthday Old Lady…Err, SueBoo…Err, Crafty Momma

I see that the G-Man has posted his pictures from last weekend’s shindig at his place celebrating his old lady’s birthday. (I love how you can get away with calling your friends names like that and really face no consequences!) I feel like I should go ahead and post a few pics of my own as an addendum. I also managed to get a few videos to boot.

I am not sure why it is that playing Guitar Hero is a staple of our get-togethers. You know a game is awesome when The School Girl plays.

Michael TD had his first foray into the Guitar Hero world as myself and La Hermana look on. I bet I know one little boy that is getting a video game for Christmas.

I did so well at this game that SueBoo and Big D couldn’t control their excitement. Yeah, that’s right, I suck at it.

Here is the famous video of the champs of this game, The School Girl and Big D. I must say that I can’t believe the number of leg kicks my wife threw out. It is hard to believe that she is actually a pretty good dancer after watching this video:

Our little buddy, Fandango, was there as well. He spent most of the evening running away from SueBoo’s pooch, Pooh Bear and begging for beer. Yeah, he likes beer…and red wine.

After La Hermana, Michael TD, Snake, The Evil One and Sugar Bear all left, we prepared to play board games. I had to defend my championship. It was much of a defense as G-Man wrested the title from me with little effort. SueBoo has this one game (that we didn’t actually play) where you have to act things out, sort of like charades. Here are G-Man and then me pretending to be “the drunk guy at a wedding proposing a toast”:

And now G-Man is doing some aerobics instructor thing. He reminds me of Richard Simmons in this:

For some reason pencil tricks was the theme as we played yet more games. SueBoo with the pencil moustache:

Then The School Girl as a seal at the circus but instead of a ball…that’s right, you guessed it, a pencil! (Way to keep those nostrils clean, baby.)

Some of us had better things to do. I was tasting my wonderful Bloody Mary (it’s not just for breakfast anymore.)

Big D was trying to look tough but I think he was asleep.

It was a great day/night of fun, family, friendship, drinking, blah blah blah. We gonna get together again this weekend for even more fun.

The Wheel In The Sky

Last Friday evening The School Girl and I went over to help Sister-In-Law and Randy Marsh replace the liner in their pool. I won’t go into how it all went down but after what I expect was a few curse words uttered under someone’s breath (not mine), everything turned out fine. While standing around waiting for the pool to fill we looked up to see one of the reasons why we enjoy we living in the boondocks.

A skyline picture may be nice but give me the country any day of the week.

Antsy

Vacation is coming up soon. Three more days of work to be exact. It has been over a year since I took vacation. I can’t stand the wait. “What is so wonderful?” you may be asking. “Where are you headed this year?” you are pondering. Nothing. Nowhere. Nada…and I could not be more thrilled.

Oh sure, I have several things planned. Such as, I am thinking about going to the high school football game in The Mount. I need to visit the eye doctor to get new specs. I may go to the movies. I have to get my tags renewed. I must wait around for the city to get off of their duffs and dig up my yard.

That is only a start, my friends. If the weather cools a bit I may go camping. I also plan on hijacking Sister-In-Law’s pool at least one afternoon. Let us not forget the many consecutive mornings of sleeping in late after staying up late sipping on imported beers and wine.

Also, I must listen to LPs. I think I may get some of these stories I have been kicking around in my head down on paper (ok, typed in WordPress, whatever). I have to take the School Girl for a medical procedure and to class (and although the class is chemistry it is not related to the procedure). The biggie, though, is that I plan on perusing the internet for a new job. I may just read all this stuff G-Man sent me on getting my Cisco Certification.

The truth is that the wife and I don’t actually have a vacation plan and the thought of this is so relaxing I am afraid I may lose control of myself.

Things That Linger

Here is the video of “Daughters” by award winning artist John Mayer.

John is one of my favorite artists even though the radio over plays some of his stuff. His lyrics are very thought provoking. I heard this song on my way to pick up the School Girl from class. I can’t seem to get it out of my mind. Now it wanders….

Snake And The Evil One: Disco Inferno (Or I Think I Am Related To Elaine From Seinfeld)

I mentioned that we spent a good portion of the day hanging out at G-Man’s place. We were celebrating SueBoo’s birthday. I of course got lots of photos and this time also, several videos. La Hermana, Michael TD and my nephews, Snake and The Evil One also were there to partake of the fun. Apparently, the youngest of my nephews, Evil One, fancies himself a regular Fred Astaire…

For a second I thought he was having a seizure. My stomach still hurts when I watch this guy bust a move.

By the way, for those of you who have never seen the Elaine Benes dance from Seinfeld, or just can’t get enough of it, here you go:

The Game Of Life

The School Girl and I are having an extremely lazy day today doing absolutely nothing. We needed a little recuperation time after hanging out at G-Man and SueBoo’s house until all hours of the morning. She thought it would be fun to break out some board games. So she grabbed Life and the slaughter began. I lost bad…then in a rematch proceeded to lose again.

Is this like life imitating life? Oh well.

Instant Karma’s Gonna Get You

We all of those moments where we feel that life is kicking us (for lack of a better term) right in the balls. I have been feeling that way lately. This whole thing with my pipes (no this is not code for anything) not draining properly has gotten me all in a tizzy. It works, then it doesn’t work, blah blah blah.

Yesterday I took The School Girl over to the Lewisburg campus of Columbia State so that she can register for a class. I am sure that I am just being friggin’ cheap but $95 per credit hour seemed like a lot not to mention $25 per hour to get the credits to transfer when you pass the course. Arrrgggghhhh! We then went home to find that, lo and behold, the toilet wouldn’t flush properly and the sink wouldn’t drain. Hooray!

I called a different plumber who said he would be right out and would have no trouble punching a hole in my old pipe and putting in a cleanout, etc. After about 10 minutes of poking around he said that he could do nothing for me. He proceeded to measure off my yard and give me an estimate to replace all of the pipe in my yard. Are you sitting down? I wasn’t when he handed me a piece of paper that ranged a cost of $2,900 to $3,100! My head began to ache. For a second I fully expected to have a stroke.

It seems that these things just happen one after another after another. Let us not forget about the car incident. I was feeling overwhelmed when you add in the fact that (to be exact) I loathe, abhor and detest my job. I could not be more prepared for vacation than I am right this moment. Then something happened.

I got an email this morning from my wife stating that she thought Tevecca might not send her transcripts to Columbia State because she thinks we owe them some money. Hmmm, that isn’t good. Not good at all. Come to find out (the sneaky bastards), they owe us some money. That actually is nice and helps towards the whole $95 + $25 per hour thing. Hey something worked out!

I then called a different plumber for another estimate on my pipes. He went to the house today and poked around the my yard and the big hole in the ground that I dug to look at my ancient cast iron plumbing. Apparently after speaking to my neighbor he determined that my house and my neighbors share a pipe that runs through my back yard. The plumber called the city and they told him that of the 132 feet of pipe that would need to be replaced, they would assume responsibility of all but 6 feet! He then said that they would be out to the house on Friday or Monday to begin working on it!

I thought for a moment that he was just yanking my chain. He was not. I was shined on today. Karma is starting to make me feel better. For a minute I thought I was being punished. I didn’t think I was that bad of a person. So, anyway, I am feeling a bit better. I’ll be loads better when the plumbing works correctly, though. As an aside, Moms called me and left a message on my cell. “With all of that good luck you may want to stop and buy a Power Ball ticket…it’s up to $245 million.”

It doesn’t seem like a bad idea to me.

Camelot

One of the girls at work hollers over at me:

“Hey LeBlanc, I’m bored. What can I make?”

I jokingly say, “Make me Excalibur.” This then gets her mind moving.

From left to right is my sword, a quiver full of arrows, a tiny bow, a crown and a shield. Yes we do have real work to do…well at least I do.

Robot In Disguise

I found this test over at Matt Gunn’s place. When I was a kid I was a huge Transformer geek. I had tons of the things. Okay so I might still have one or two of the buggers around the house. I just knew that I would be Optimus Prime but alas, I was incorrect:

YOU ARE 70% MEGATRON!

Megatron is the leader of the Decepticons. He will stop at nothing to establish his empire and destroy the Autobots, starting with Optimus Prime.Like Megatron, you are not compassionate and harbor evil thoughts.

You are inspiring, confident, and a natural leader. The Decepticons have chosen well. In addition, you use technology when you need to, but you do not embrace the latest trends.

I still haven’t seen the movie yet but I hear it is awesome. I guess I will just have to wait until Moms buys it and then borrow it. Damn, I can be so cheap! Anyway, go take the test yourself and see which Transformer you are.

The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down

I watched Classic Albums, a show on one of my favorite channels, VH1 Classic, the other day about The Band’s second album and I couldn’t get this song out of my head:

Thank You

I must admit something to you all. I look at the stats on my blog. I am sure that most of you do too, right? Maybe I am in the minority but I don’t really care. I have been writing on this somewhat unorganized site for pushing a year now and have been on WordPress since the end of January (thanks to Lynnster). I just noticed that since my move I have had over 10,000 visits. I never thought I would get more than my wife and parents to read this crap. I am pretty sure that these are not 10,000 individual hits, so to those of you who keep coming back for the punishment of my prose:

Thanks for visiting, ya’ll come back. Thanks a lot for helping with the therapy of it all.

Here is a little ZZ Top for your listening pleasure: