Sick Of ‘06

Last night, the 38th President of the United States, Gerald Rudolph Ford, Jr. died at the age of 93. He will always be remembered as the only man to become President without winning an election to the Office of President or even to the Office of Vice-President. My memories of him mostly include his lampooning at the hands of Chevy Chase on Saturday Night Live.

It is official, I am sick of the holiday season. Mostly, I am just sick during the holiday season. I went to bed Monday feeling a little woozy and worn down. I thought maybe I ate way too many deviled eggs (which I did). The previous few days consisted of much travel, little sleep and erratic temperatures. The weather was chilly out of doors and hot as Hades in my sister-in-law’s house.

Much to The School Girl’s secret happiness, I almost lost my voice yesterday on our way home from work. I was accused of sounding like Peter Brady (It’s time to change). I thought; however, that with a shot of Robitussin last night, I would be feeling better. On the contrary, I am much worse. Scratchy throat, stuffy, runny nose and light-headedness greeted me this morning along with my alarm clock. I considered skipping out on work but I started feeling guilty when I knew my wife would be heading to work alone.

I wish that I let this feeling disappear as I am only getting worse. I am actually considering visiting the doctor! I probably won’t, though, as I usually reserve this act as a last resort. I hope that I start getting well prior to New Year’s Eve. I would hate to ruin this last holiday of the year with wheezing and whininess.

Last-Minute Shopper

I hope that everyone had a spectacular Christmas. I am pretty sure that it is safe to say my whole family did. Now all we need to do is rest and recover!

Today is the annual British celebration of Boxing Day and also marks the beginning of Kwanzaa. Birthday wishes go out to Boston Red Sox Hall of Famer Carlton Fisk (1947) and American Idol contestant Chris Daughtry (1979).

I have never been known as someone who loves to celebrate the Christmas holiday. Too much commercialism and less of what the holiday truly means tends to bring me down. I do; however, enjoy making purchases for my loved ones. My biggest problem is that I always seem to procrastinate when it comes to purchasing gifts. Luckily, The School Girl is always on the ball.

This past Friday was going to be an extremely busy day. I did have the day off (one of my last two vacation days) and The School Girl had to work. This gave me my final opportunity to finish up shopping for her. I had several items in mind (mostly from the list that she made me…after Thanksgiving!). I drove the 30 + minutes from the ‘Burg to Cool Springs to fight the mob of other last-minute people at the mall. I managed to pick up an obscure Johnny Depp movie that she enjoys at the Wal-Mart but I was looking for bigger fish. Being the husband of a Gilmore Girls fanatic (and remember, I don’t watch it because I like it but because I’m forced to watch it…maybe that sounded believable), my wife enjoys owning each season on DVD. I knew that we had seasons 1, 2, 3 and 5. Yes, season 4 is missing. Last week I noticed a sign in the window of Suncoast Video. It felt like the angels were singing to me directly.

“All TV DVDs Buy One Get One Free!”

I pushed through the throng of people into the DVD emporium and began sifting through the many stacks of TV shows. I go through The O.C., Sanford And Son, Wonder Woman and finally Gilmore Girls! I remember that I need seasons 4 and 6 only. I notice that they have displayed on the front table (below the wonderful sign) seasons 1-3 and season 5. CRAP! I decide to traipse further into the establishment and find the wall of TV DVD collections. How lucky was I that they still had 2 copies of season 4? I snatched one up immediately.

I spoke with one of the two working employees to discover that they were out of season 6. As a replacement, I decided to go with The O.C. season 1. I was very proud of myself. I could actually feel the grin growing across my face as I stood in the ever lengthening checkout line. I was fine with the wait because I was jamming the latest Tesla CD on my new cell phone. This also prevented the dregs of society from feeling the need to strike up a conversation with me as we wait together in the line.

Finally, it was my turn to check out. I placed my wares upon the counter and reached for my wallet. The sales girl (who happens to be the manager) asked me an odd question. “Does the person you are buying the Gilmore Girls need this season specifically?” I told her that I indeed did choose the correct season for my lovely wife. “That’s too bad because seasons 1, 2 and 3 are buy one, get one free.”

”EXCUSE ME!?”

Apparently, my selection was not considered part of the “all” in the sign in the front window. She proceeded to inform me that “select” items were in the buy one, get one free deal. At this moment, I snapped! Bad word this, cuss word that, why was season 5 on your specially set up table, blah blah blah, G-Damn, F-ing store. Piece of shiatsu (massage)…anyways, I was angry.

This woman then had the gall to ask me if I still wanted to purchase The O.C. DVD! I wouldn’t buy anything from this place until after Jesus returns. Okay, so maybe I overreacted but when a store falsely advertises and won’t honor their mistakes, I tend to get a little red!

At this point, I needed to try and relax and decided a trip to the lavatory on the other side of the mall would do the trick. This mall is fully outfitted with the latest in bathroom technology. Self-flushing toilets, knob-less faucets and even automatic paper towel dispensers! After doing my business, I washed my hands per normal and proceeded to wave my hands in front of the paper towel dispenser’s sensor. I heard the motor start up but nothing came out. I peered into the mechanical box and saw that it was out of towels! Why is this happening to me? I spun around to see that they had the hands-free air blowers to dry your hands…out of order. I was relegated to wiping my hands upon my Levi’s and growling at other mall patrons.

Regardless of the set backs, I managed to visit a few other stores and finish the majority of my shopping agenda without too many mishaps. I have decided that I will have ALL of my Christmas shopping completed by the second week of December in the future so that I don’t accidentally kill any clerks.

Christmas Cheer (Gimme A Beer)

This is my final day of work before the Christmas holiday and I am pretty sure my last blog until after Christmas passes. (I heard cheers, were you clapping? Stop it!). Anyway, I hope everyone has a safe and happy holiday and be sure to hug everyone you see (just not me, that is creepy).

Plymouth Colony in present day Massachusetts was founded today in 1620 as William Bradford and the other Pilgrims parked the Mayflower off of Plymouth Rock. On this date in 1913, the New York Times published the first ever cross-word puzzle…and my grandmother is thrilled about it. Birthday wishes go out to Joe Paterno (1926), Phil Donahue (1935) – hey, why not?, Frank Zappa (1940), Samuel L. Jackson (1948) and Ray Romano (1957). A big F-you finger goes out to Jane Fonda who turns really damn old today.

Anyone who knows me understands that by no stretch of the imagination am I a social butterfly, although I do enjoy a good party. The School Girl on the other hand would fit more into that category. I like to hang out with my family and my very few close friends while sneering at strangers and other people that I am not buddy-buddy with. As Randall Graves said in one of my favorite movies, Clerks, “I hate people, but I love gatherings. Isn’t that ironic.”

So keeping all of this in mind, I attended a Christmas party with my wife thrown by the Senior Vice-President of the major U.S. insurance company that she works at. I, of course, dreaded the thought of it all but entered with a smile. Nothing says uncomfortable more than having to enter a gated community in one of the more uppity towns in our fair state while driving one of our soon to be dead (and clanking) vehicles, pulling up to the extremely opulent home as the first guests of the evening. Not to mention that my wife happens to be one of the two non-management or vice-president employees who would be attending that evening.

Now please note that even though I was having a well hidden anxiety attack for having to attend a party with rich people that I didn’t know, I was still in a good mood. I was one working day away from a nice four day weekend and I had just procured Nashville Predator hockey tickets. When I called my wife to let her know I was on my way to pick her up from work she asked me, “Do we have any plans for tomorrow night?” This, my fellow men, we all know is a very loaded question. It is definitely unwise to answer with a whole-hearted “yes” or “no” as you may be getting yourself stuck in something horrible, like say a Christmas party with rich, stuffy, old men in ties or you may miss out on some NHL! I answered with the obligatory, “Uhh, why?” Apparently, she had managed to get invited to the company owned suite that her fine institution of business has located at the Gaylord Entertainment Center in downtown Nash-vegas. These are the seats where they serve you dinner (Beef Wellington) and beverages (free beer!). The people that will be attending the game would also be at the party tonight so I had to grin and bear it for the evening.

Walking into the home, I was not taken aback by an ostentatious abode but just a really nice homey place. We were made to feel welcome immediately and never once did I feel like I was being talked down to. Oh no, I might be enjoying the company of these people! Two glasses of red wine added to the multiple plates of stuffed mushrooms, bacon wrapped scallops, steak and quail followed by cheesecake sure did put me at ease and into a great mood. My initial plan of coming in, eating, then leaving was completely put out of my mind. Even when one of the creepy VPs told me that my wife was hot and that I couldn’t be offended because he was old didn’t bother me. By the way, when you are younger than my Pops, it doesn’t mean that you can get away with being a pervert but I let it go when he left immediately afterwards.

We were all stoked for a game of DVD Family Feud when I noticed I had a voice message on my (new sweet-ass) phone. Sister-In-Law had been unable to let our pooch, Fandango, out to do his business because the nephew was sporting a fever. We had to leave. A few Richard Dawson and Hogan’s Heroes comments later and we were out the door headed back to the boondocks. All in all, it was a good night with people that I normally wouldn’t dare hang out with if not forced by The School Girl but…I still loathe people in general. Hey, it’s my thing. That is until tonight when we all congregate again for the beating that we will put on those Buffalo Sabres!

Another Adventure Of Snake And The Evil One

Another big event in history for today: in 1860, South Carolina was the first state to secede from the United States, leading to the Civil War. Today in birthday news, Branch Rickey (1881), the man who helped integrate black players into Major League Baseball was born. On a side note, former Boston Red Sox owner, Tom Yawkey, passed on Jackie Robinson (and Willie Mays) when given the first shot at signing. Another reason to further the (former) curse! Also, Happy 40th to Black Crowes singer Chris Robinson.

I remember as a child (and maybe you were the same way) that I would run everywhere…and never look where I was going. This phenomenon was especially prevalent when I would get my new Buster Brown shoes. I loved to see those little guys go back and forth. The big problem with this is, of course, that I would run into stuff. I would hit walls, door frames and the occasional person.

This problem would come to light in a big way (at least it was big at the time, to me) when I was in the second grade. Back in 1982 (2nd Grade) I attended an old school that, if memory serves me correctly, housed Kindergarten through 12th Grade (and I believe Pops went there for a time). The playground was an enormous paved area that included a few playground type items but mostly a big open space. One afternoon while at recess, my friends and I were running around chasing each other, going at about the speed of light (or a small groundhog). Suddenly, my progress was impeded and I toppled to the hard pavement below. My backside was instantly sore but this did not compete with the utter fear that washed over me seconds later. The meanest teacher in school was standing there. I would tell you her name but due to the fright she created in every student, I have repressed it. I had torn her stockings and created a bruise on her vein-covered leg. She was furious. You would think that I dropped a house on her sister or something (obscure Wizard of Oz reference). She snatched me up by the arm and dragged me to the principal’s office where I proceeded to sit on the hard wooden bench outside of his office. I never actually saw Mr. Principal for when the bell ending recess pealed, I got up and headed back to class. This incident was never spoken of again. I never even told my parents about it, until now.

Why do I tell you all of this under the guise of a Snake and Evil One story? To impress upon you how much small characteristics can be passed hereditarily. The other day, my brilliant nephew, Snake, attending his 1st Grade classes in the Boro had to use the facilities, the lavatory if you will (obscure “American Dream” Dusty Rhodes reference). Mr. Snake bounded into the bathroom with fervor as he apparently really needed to go bad! Unfortunately for him, he ran headlong into one of the stalls, knocking himself down…and out!

A trip to the school nurse and some ice did the trick to fix the young lad up good as new. It really makes you wonder; however, why as boys that we do silly things like this. I think that we just get way too excited about the freedom of the hallways and playgrounds. Hopefully, this will be something that he grows out of or some broken bones will be the norm for the little guy.

Go Tell It On The Mountain

On this date in 1843, Charles Dickens’, A Christmas Carol was first published in England, paving the way for Rich Little to butcher it in his 1978 television special. Also, today in 1988, the summer fun sport of lawn darts was banned in the United States saving eyes of children everywhere. Happy Birthday to one of my childhood sports heroes, Kevin McHale, of Boston Celtics fame, who turns 49 today. Others born today were Reggie White (1961), Criss Angel (1967) and Alyssa Milano (1972).

This past Sunday evening, The School Girl and I visited the church of the Sister-In-Law and her husband, Randy Marsh. The Children’s Ministry was putting on their yearly program for the Christmas holiday. This year it was Three Wise Men and a Baby. The School Girl’s nephew was participating and we like to try and support the family’s kids as much as possible. Normally, these plays or programs are pretty entertaining as the children generally work really hard and have great support from the adults…normally.

It was announced prior to this, the second time that the play was enacted, that one of the main characters who was to participate unfortunately was stricken with appendicitis. Strike one. While perusing the program guide I noticed the names of the Three Wise Men: Garthstonia, Elvisstonia and Jamesstonia. They couldn’t possibly be dressing these children up as musical icons to be The Wise Men, could they? Yes, they could. Strike two.

I won’t mention that most of these children are completely void of musical talent, but I have no problem overlooking this fact. They are children and they are having fun and worshipping the Lord. At least they had the guts to get up in front of family, friends and strangers and sing aloud.

I began noticing that some of the music had a hip-hop beat to it. Surely they wouldn’t update classic religious Christmas songs to appeal to the youth of the church? I will leave you to be the judge with the following lyrical presentation:

“Go tell it, go tell it, go tell it on the mountain!” (cross arms and lean to the side). I was embarrassed for them all. Strike three.

They only things that kept my attention was the fact that my nephew actually looked like he was trying to do his best and was one of the few who DID NOT read his lines from the script while on stage! The other was a little boy named Benjamin. Benjamin was very animated in his arm movements and his dancing. He, also, was the loudest voice in the church. He seemed to be having a great time. He made me giggle multiple times. I found out later that Benjamin was a special child with a mental handicap. I felt a little bit bad that I was laughing until I realized that I wasn’t laughing at Benjamin but laughing in general at his unabashed spirit and his fun time.

For most of the program I was wishing I could run home and watch football and realized that this was one of those times that an hour of my life would be lost forever! I think that now I realize it was not about the fact that this was the worst piece of acting and singing/entertainment I have witnessed in years but was about the fun the children were having and celebrating the birth of Jesus who suffered way more than I just did.

Saturday Night’s Alright For…Sleeping

Happy Republic Day to everyone’s favorite African nation, Niger. Today in 1865 the 13th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution was adopted, abolishing slavery in all federally owned land. An interesting list of birthdays for today: Josef Stalin (1878), Ty Cobb (1886), Keith Richards (1943), Steven Spielberg and Steven Biko (1946), Brad Pitt (1963), “Stone Cold” Steve Austin (1964) and Katie Holmes (1978). Also, today in 1997, we lost Chris Farley…(in a van down by the river!).

After a long and difficult day of traversing the malls and shopping centers to try to complete the Christmas shopping list we all headed to damn near Kentucky to have fun at the Green Machine and Hoosier Girl’s house. I, of course knowing where I was going, got The School Girl and myself there late…because we got lost! G-Man and family had already arrived and was already a beer up on me. We were lured to the northern Tennessee region by talk of grilled steaks, beer and gifts. Now if there is anything else more to life than that I don’t what it might be!

G-Man and I stand and ridicule the cooking style of Chef Big D…I mean, we spoke at length concerning the state of affairs regarding the Middle East Conflict and the economy. Yeah right!

Big D did another superb job running the grill and he made his famous garlic green beans.

After getting a good look at the steaks, G-Man was prepared to sing for his supper…or he is demonstrating his circus seal act from the movie Clerks! (Usually this is Green Machine’s role!)

G-Man and SueBoo’s middle child, Sugar Bear, shows off her new Christmas themed braces.

Green machine decided to show Hoosier Girl who the real boss was in their home. I just hope she didn’t hurt him too bad after we all left!

Here I am sucking up to The School Girl in preparation for any obnoxious antics I might be planning to partake in later on in the evening.

Sweet Pea and I played a little soccer with Green Machine’s basketball. This is the last known photograph to exist of poor little Mr. Basketball. Green Machine inadvertently hit The School Girl in the leg with the ball and she proceeded to kick it pretty hard. It traveled past the cars…down the drive way…into the street…into the neighbor’s yard…down their drive way…into their backyard…into the forest…possibly off a cliff and into history. Now we know what to get him next Christmas!

It appears that The School Girl is propping me up but we are just having a good time listening to music that probably was loud enough to annoy the neighborhood.

We tried our best to imitate King Of The Hill, unfortunately we couldn’t stand still long enough!

Some strategy and the rules of darts were discussed by The School Girl and I as Big D probably cheats in the background.

We all waited patiently to exchange gifts. I got Clerks II on DVD and several sweet LPs to add to my collection: The Jimi Hendrix Experience’s Electric Ladyland and Close To The Edge and 90125 from Yes. I understand that others received gifts, too. Apparently that was news-worthy but I was too busy looking at my stuff!

Baby Toby got love here from his momma, Hoosier Girl and from everyone else; however, he ran every time Sweet Pea came near him.

Sweet Pea was still getting over her illness and got tired several times during the evening. This; however, was just a way to get her tanks refilled for more fun later!

Green Machine was very proud of his double and single bulls-eyes but anyone can throw that well if you practice everyday leading up to our games.

The Green Machine’s sister, Jess, came over for a short time with her man du jour, Joseph, to participate in the fun.

SueBoo ponders her next throw at the dart board and it appears someone said something improbable…again.

I think someone told SueBoo that we were playing marbles and not darts but this didn’t stop G-Man from playing great!

Now, it is not a party until somebody breaks something or something crazy happens. So as not to disappoint, somebody (Jess) locked the bathroom door from the outside and no one inside to unlock the door!

We tried to pick the lock to no avail. Hoosier Girl decided to take the hinges off of the door as a last resort. After the first hinge was removed and she struggled with the second, Green Machine picked the lock like he was G. Gordon Liddy and everyone had a good laugh.

Now is the part of the show where we dance! It looks like Sprockets up in here! (obscure Saturday Night Live/Mike Myers reference).

Apparently, the boys drank their beers so quickly that they just had to make room for more as fast as possible. Not that the bathroom was far away and the door was unlocked by this time. Oh well.

We did our best to keep the girls occupied and having a good time, as well!

There were more darts to be played. Some good darts, some bad darts, some cheating and maybe even a little fighting.

When the night started to wind down we decided it was time for a laugh. We put Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby on and laughed until milk poured from our noses (no cows were harmed during the showing of this film)!

Some people were light-weights and could not hang with the big boys. Never forget the first rule of drinking: the first one to fall asleep gets messed with!

More Adventures Of Snake And The Evil One

At sunset today Hanukkah begins, so in honor of something I heard a moron say several years ago…Happy Chaka Khan to our Jewish friends! Today is significant in many other ways: in 1791, the first ten amendments to the U.S. Constitution (Bill of Rights) were ratified. In 1891, Dr. James Naismith introduced the first version of his game we now call basketball in my home state of Massachusetts. In 1966, Walt Disney died and forever became an animator-cicle (wait for it…). And finally, Adam Brody of Fox Television’s The O.C. fame was born today in 1979. Yes I watch The O.C. and Gilmore Girls, what of it? Maybe The School Girl makes me watch them or something. Isn’t that right Uncle Grizz?

The other day my sister, La Hermana, was reading a story to my nephews Snake & The Evil One. I understand that they were laying about very quietly listening to the story in the bedroom probably in preparation for the evening’s slumber.

Out of the blue, Snake jumped up with fervor and stood facing the bed. “Hey Mom, get a load of this!”, he exclaimed. Snake proceeded to lift his leg towards the ceiling and scrunched up his little face. It was at this moment that everyone knew danger was lurking. Snake released very audible (and odoriferous) flatulence!

Sometimes it amazes me what little kids can do. One minute Snake is whooping you at a Tony Hawk video game or showing off that he knows more Spanish than you or another minute he is releasing paralyzing nerve gases. Ain’t they just the cutest things?

Pain In The Neck

Sad news from the world of entertainment yesterday with the loss of comedic genious Peter Boyle. Remember that there are only 10 shopping days left until Christmas.

I woke up early as usual around 5:00 AM in preparation for my morning ritual. As with most mornings I woke up with a decent headache but was trying to ignore it. The School Girl stopped me in mid-leg swing. Apparently, she hadn’t slept much at all the night before and had been in excruciating pain. In the middle of the night her neck had pretty much seized up and she was unable to move.

She decided that she had put off going to a chiropractor long enough. Since we are one car down, and I was feeling slightly unwell myself, I stayed home to drive her to her appointment. We had discussed going to work late; however, the earliest she could get in to be seen was at 2:00 PM. It was official, we had a grown-up skip day.

School Girl spent most of the morning icing down her neck and I played with my sweet new cellphone. She did also get a chance to do a small bit of scrapbooking. Maybe with school being basically finished with, she could catch up from being over a year behind.

Two o’clock rolled around and we headed to the major hub of commerce and finance…downtown Lewisburg, TN. I thank God (and my parents) that I had my new MP3 phone because “it should only take an hour” turned into “my hair is turning grey because I’m sitting here sooooo long!” They took x-rays and she took a water massage therapy. I sat and listened to the new Chris Daughtry CD on my phone (thanks Green Machine) and smoked too many cigarettes. I also have to mention that the receptionist lady really creeped me out. She sounded like she was a member of the Lollipop Guild!

After over an hour they called me in and we got to meet the doctor. He pulled out the x-rays and put the photo of The School Girl’s neck next to one of a “normal” neck. A normal neck is curved out towards your throat…the x-ray of The School Girl was curved in the opposite direction! Anyway, a crack here, a crack there and she was able to maneuver normally and all head pain had ceased. So hopefully after a few more visits the damage can be reversed. I think that maybe I will make myself a visit to get rid of all of my back, neck and head pains too.

Carnton Plantation For Halloween

Back in 1974 on this date, Malta revised their constitution turning the former British colony into a republic thus making today Republic Day in that nation. Also, Happy 39th Birthday wishes go out to actor/comedian Jamie Foxx.

Back in mid-October the entire gang went out for a Halloween celebration in Franklin. We met up at the exit off of Interstate 65. We piled into the two biggest vehicles and decided to head to the Franklin Square where they were having a Pumpkin Festival. Many booths were set up where tons of vendors were hawking their wares which included arts and crafts. Several children and adults alike were dressed in costumes.

Here a gentleman brought his dogs who were dressed up as super heroes.

A guy dressed as Batman was making his rounds getting his picture taken with various people. Someone noticed that he was sporting an extra large cod-piece (probably one of the ladies…or Green Machine). Big D thought it would be funny to get his picture taken with him but as you see he covered up the area in question. More than likely he heard us making fun of him!

There wasn’t much to see but it was a new festival. Maybe having a few pumpkins would have been nice since it was called The Pumpkin Festival!

We trodded back to the cars and decided it was time for a meal. It was suggested that we all go to one of the local Mexican restaurants to get our grub on and have a few brews before we went to the Carnton Plantation.

All of the guys of legal drinking age (except B2 – oh but wait, he is one of the girls- never mind) opted for the “big beer”. They really got the day going pretty well. After we ate, we talked about doing some tequila shots until the realization that the cost of them at a restaurant would be astronomical and made us come up with alternate plans. So off to the liquor store we rolled!

We pooled our funds and splurged for a bottle of Sammy Hagar’s Cabo Wabo Tequila. The only problem was where were we going to drink it? After a trip to the grocery store for Dixie cups, limes and a salt shaker we drove over to where G-Man works. In the parking lot was a handy dandy picnic table. How convenient.

After 3 shots G-Man and Green Machine felt much love for each other. Luckily, Green doesn’t have as much love for G-man as he does for Hoosier Girl. We still aren’t really sure what they did off in the wooded area behind the building.

It had been dark for a little while and we knew it was time to head to the Carnton Plantation. For you non-historians, the Carnton Plantation was the location of the Civil War Battle of Franklin and was the home to former Nashville, TN mayor Randal McGavock and his family. His widow is said to still occupy the residence…creepy! It is also the final resting place of over 1,500 Confederate soldiers.

They gave a tour through the home and had a few people dressed up in period garb to help further the illusion of being sent back in time.

Green Machine and Hoosier Girl stand and listen as I tell them something probably incredibly intelligent.

This old tree is in the garden. It stood throughout the terrible battle and has seen many horrors.

Big D, me in my Fred Durst hat, B2 and G-Man all read along before heading into the eerie Confederate Cemetery. Candles were placed around the graves that gave the scene a heightened sense of fright.

This guy is dressed up to look like a Civil War Confederate General. His uniform was superb!

After the tour was over, only G-Man, SueBoo, Big D, School Girl and myself decided to NOT go home. Apparently the others are light weights!

Even after gorging ourselves with Mexican cuisine earlier in the evening we were famished. The five of us knew that there was only one place that could relieve our hunger pangs…Waffle House!

The Waffle House was packed with even freakier people than normal. I swear that there was a woman dressed as Marie Antoinette! Also, in the booth next to us was a group of younger kids. One of them was eye-balled more than once by the G-Man and me…that is until it was decided by the girls that “she” might just be a “he”! Well, regardless, he was a pretty man, right G-Man?

Another night of reverie and silliness was had by all and of course, not for the last time.

Beware Of Stripper

This date in 1963 saw the United Kingdom grant independence to Kenya. I doubt that there will be hotdogs and apple pie, but maybe lots of coffee drinking (one of their major exports…look it up if you don’t believe me).

Disclaimer: Anyone under the age of 18 or who is my mom may not wish to read this story. You have been warned.

Several years ago, prior to meeting The School Girl, I was hanging out a little with a good buddy of mine, Jace of Ace. Jace and I had several things in common, one of which was that we worked together. One Sunday evening I trekked across L.A. (Lower Antioch) over to his apartment to just chill as neither of us had anything to do or any dating prospects at the time.

If I am not mistaken, we spent the first part of our evening watching home movies. Now, these aren’t your typical home movies. Old Jace and his crew make films. Mostly they are zombie flicks but hey, who doesn’t love a good zombie movie. I also let him get his kicks by having him show me his “killer clown” movies since he knows that clowns are the devil to me!

Eventually, we bored of this and of playing Sega Dreamcast (yes, he is the one who bought the Dreamcast) so we decided that we should go to a “gentleman’s club”. Normally, this is going to be a poor decision and this night was one of those poor decisions. First of all, I was flat broke and I informed Jace of this regularly occurring scenario. He rebuffed by stating he believe he had enough funds to cover me. Well I couldn’t really turn down such a selfless act, could I? I didn’t.

So the decision was final and we jumped in the Jace’s fire engine red LeBaron and cruised to downtown Nash-Vegas to Déjà Vu where there are hundreds of beautiful women and three ugly ones. It was obvious that on Sunday evenings the three ugly ones are on duty.

We were able to get a front table due to the lack of customers. Sunday nights do not seem to bring out the perv crowd (unless you counted Jace and me, that is). Jace, being the veteran that he was knew these nights were a good time to visit nudie bars. The girls, hot for cash, would spend more time “entertaining” the guys when it was slow.

We had not so much as lit our first cigarettes when a mostly naked young lady sauntered over to the table. I remember only a few details about this one particular girl but the details I do remember are quite vivid. What stood out right away were her tattoos. She had many of them covering her arms and back and her breasts. Another of her attributes were her many piercings. It read like a laundry list of body parts when pointing out the metallic accoutrements: ears, nose, eyebrow, belly button, nipples and the finale…multiple piercings in her private areas! She was very proud of these as she kept…ahem…”opening the barn doors” (if you will) so that we could see the metal studs!

It was about that time the stripper decided to get extra friendly with me. She was hovering over me shaking herself like trying to get peaches out of a tree. Her octopus-like hands were groping things that she had no business (legally or personally) getting near. Out of fairness she decided to give Jace equal treatment which led to the most memorable part of the evening. I watched her reach down to Mr. Ace’s groin area and begin to latch onto his privates. She believed that she had a hold of the “frank” but the blood curdling yelp from my friend said that she had gotten the “beans”.

“YEEEEEOOOOWWWWW!” was all he could say as he did his best to maneuver his junk away from the vice-like grip of the exotic dancer. She, still not realizing she grabbed his marble bag, thought that he was afraid or just a sissy. Jace walked with a bit of a limp for the rest of the evening.

All in all, it was a very educational trip as Jace taught me the proper practice of folding a dollar bill in order for the girls to remove it from your fingers with their boobs; however, I am pretty sure (at least for this one night) that he wished the 3 foot rule that is currently in place was applicable back then.

Maybe we should have just stayed home and played Madden 2001 and threw back some brews, after all.

Pampered Chef 2: Electric Boogaloo

Today is Tango Day in Argentina so in the immortal words of The Violent Femmes, “Dance Motherf#cker, Dance”! Also, Motley Crue bassist, Nikki Sixx turns 48 today, so Happy Birthday and Shout At The Devil.

Apparently, majoring in drama at the University of Texas has helped Vince Young’s professional football career. VY pulled out another game winning drive as he capped a Houston Homecoming with a 39 yard touchdown run in overtime.

This past Saturday, The School Girl, Little Harry and I traveled to the Mount for SueBoo’s Pampered Chef party. The whole gang was there with Green Machine, Hoosier Girl and the rest of G-Man’s family. The day consisted of playing records, playing video games, drinking some beer and finally getting some songs on my mp3 playing cell phone.

These Pampered Chef parties are just another excuse (like we need one) to get everyone together. The ladies were sequestered in the kitchen, check books in hand, while the men were isolated in the garage listening to tunes and playing competitive games of Cricket (darts). My dart throwing skills seemed to diminish throughout the night; however, later in the evening my teammate, G-Man, vindicated me.

At one point, we actually ran out of brews and had to make a run to the local Kroger. Luckily we were only about a block from the store. After debating over which vehicle should be taken, G-Man’s brother-in-law, B2, suggested that we walk the short distance in the frigid weather. We believed that this was the best idea; however, as we were tramping down the street we noticed that B2 had tucked tail and run back to the heated house to sit with the rest of the women! On our return trip we started quoting lines from numerous Adam Sandler CDs and laughed way too much.

The Green Machine found out that Hoosier Girl had set up her own party to take place in January at their house. As I pointed and laughed at his misfortune, I found out that The School Girl had also set up a party for February at our house. The laughing ceased at this point. Oh well, more excuses for the guys to get together and have fun.

As the evening neared its end, G-Man and I were locked in a Cricket battle with Green Machine and Big D. After we throttled them in game 1 it was announced (how convenient) that we were playing a best 2 out of 3 games. From Big D’s opening toss our team was behind. We crawled ever so slowly back into the game and managed to get everything closed except for the bull’s-eyes. Our opponents needed 2 to win and we needed 5! G-Man, always a big game player, got three real quick bulls to basically tie the game. His back must have been spasming due to him carrying me the whole time. G-Man stepped to the line for the first of his 3 throws…bull! The crowd was silent. The second toss went wide right (like most FSU place kickers do). The pressure was on. Even with the sub-zero temperatures, sweat was forming on the brows of our combatants. The third throw was poised and ready…G-Man slung it towards the board…BULL! We had won. Green Machine and Big D walked in the house with their tails tucked firmly between their legs.

Overall, with a great pasta dinner prepared by SueBoo, it was a great night. I can’t wait to do it again…next weekend.

On a sad note, we finally gave up on little Bella and reluctantly sent her back to her original home. Many sniffles and a tear or two have been shed but we hope that she can find better parents that can deal with her better.

With A Heavy Heart…

A man that was a mentor to me as a child in Boy Scouts, Mr. George J. Maloney died last Wednesday. Mr. Maloney was the subject of a previous story that can be read here. I believe that along with my parents and others, he was a major influence in shaping the man that I am today.

George J. Maloney, 71, of Nashua died Wednesday, Dec. 6, 2006, at his home surrounded by his loving family.

Mr. Maloney was born Feb. 10, 1935, in Boston, son of the late George and Florence (Seaverns) Maloney. He moved to Nashua in 1952.

He was the husband of Jacqueline (Frank) Maloney of Nashua. The couple shared 49 years of marriage.

Mr. Maloney worked as a supervisor for Producers Dairy for more than 20 years and also worked at LePage’s Bakery as a regional sales manager for 10 years. Most recently, he worked at Nashua Foreign Auto, where he was an office manager for 10 years.

He was an avid outdoorsman who loved camping and was active in Boy Scouts for four decades as well as an avid Red Sox, Patriots and Bruins fan.

Mr. Maloney was active in his church as a Eucharistic minister for The Immaculate Conception Parish in Nashua.

He will be remembered for being a loving grandfather, being active with his grandchildren and for being a hard worker, a wonderful husband and a great family man who will be missed by many.

Mr. Maloney was educated in Boston Schools.

Besides his parents, he was predeceased by a brother, Leo Maloney.

Besides his wife, survivors include three sons, Michael Maloney of Nashua, Mark Maloney and his fiancée, Pamela Silva, of Nashua and John Maloney and his wife, Jennifer, of Virginia; two daughters, Sharon Sargent and her husband, Mark, of Nashua and Linda Mulligan and her husband, Michael, of Nashua; three sisters, Barbara Germain and her husband, Paul, of Nashua, Mary Maloney of Nashua and Florence Maloney of N.Y.; seven grandchildren, Justin and Ryan Sargent, Mallory and Kaleigh Mulligan, Connor, Zachary and Riley Maloney; and many nieces, nephews and cousins.

The Zis-Sweeney Funeral Home in Nashua is in charge of arrangements.

Hey You Kids, Stay Off Of My Lawn!

December 8, 1980, Mark David Chapman fatally shot music legend John Lennon in New York City. Music hasn’t been the same since. Also, today marks what would be (or is) the 63rd birthday of another rock and roll legend, Jim Morrison who some theorize is living quietly in France since faking his death back in 1971. (Ok, so I’m the only one.)

The other day I traveled over to the local Wally World (Wal-Mart) to get myself a new cell phone. I was very excited as I had not been using a good phone for well over a year. My sweet Motorola flip camera phone met an unfortunate and untimely demise as I was running across a slightly busy Nash-Vegas street while expeditiously attempting to attend a Will Hoge concert.

I had my sights set on the new Motorola Sliver. This baby is sleek, has a digital camera, a video camera and plays MP3s! I was like a kid in a candy store (or Ben Affleck in a strip club!). I walked up to the cell phone counter which is located as far from the front of the store as can be. Please note that I had just gotten off of work; I was tired and hungry and cranky. Now, I am currently a customer of Cingular Wireless; however, I was no longer under contact and was ready to forgo my freedom in order to get the discounted price of my new candy phone.

I had to wrangle up a store associate as they were busy pretending to work while discussing their boyfriends and the math exam they hadn’t studied for. Finally, I was able to inform the young lady that I wanted to upgrade my phone line to the new Sliver. At this moment, the Mensa candidate felt it necessary to ask me if I currently have phone service. Obviously, if I wanted to upgrade my current line, I must have service, right? When I told this to the girl she moved on to complete the transaction as the School Girl walked away to stave off embarrassment.

The entire process only took about 30 minutes. During this time of waiting I began to participate in one of my previously mentioned favorite hobbies…people-watching. Just behind me in the aisle of the electronics department, a huge flat panel television was set up and was hooked up to a karaoke machine that Wally World was trying to sell. A group of grungy, rock and roller type high school boys had meandered over to play with the machine. I noticed that they were scrolling through the list of songs that were displayed on the monitor screen. Some songs, I assume, were newer by bands such as The All-American Rejects and other groups I do not listen to at all. (On a side note, this happens to be the CD that Little Harry wanted me to get him for his birthday last month…go figure!). The machine also had older artists such as Marvin Gaye, Dusty Springfield and Aretha Franklin. These boys, of course being uneducated musically, mocked them openly.

It was at this moment that my coolness factor was rendered to zero. I believe (in my little mind) that I have a pretty high coolness factor and can be mistaken at times for the epitome of hipness, when in actuality I am just old and pitiful. One of the young men, I will call him “The Good Kid”, scrolled through the songs and stopped on “Every Breath You Take” by 80s musical geniuses The Police. I will admit that this song can be a little weak at times; however, it is still a classic. “The Good Kid” mentioned that he sort of enjoyed this song. The other boys, I will call them “Jack Ass Kid #1” and “Jack Ass Kid #2” looked at him with puzzlement. “J.A.K. #1” then said, “Who the hell are The Police?”. It was at this moment that I finally realized a little bit of what my Dad must have felt when I tried to get him to listen to Poison or Cinderella and scoffed at any myriad of great bands from his day that I didn’t know. I hope that someone remembers to get me a walker for Christmas and signs me up for AARP.

“A Date Which Will Live In Infamy”

Today is December 7th. Not everyone knows why today is significant for each and every American, not to mention almost all citizens of the world. Former President Franklin Delano Roosevelt proclaimed that this date would live in infamy when Pearl Harbor was attacked by the Japanese. I was not born until 33 years after Pearl Harbor; however, as an amateur historian I am angered, disgusted and appalled whenever I read about or see photographs of the attack. Words cannot express the gratitude that many Americans, myself included, feel towards the millions of men and women who sacrificed for our freedoms.

“Mr. Vice President, Mr. Speaker, members of the Senate and the House of Representatives: yesterday, December 7th, 1941 – a date which will live in infamy – the United States of America was suddenly and deliberately attacked by naval and air forces of the Empire of Japan.

The United States was at peace with that nation, and, at the solicitation of Japan, was still in conversation with its Government and its Emperor looking toward the maintenance of peace in the Pacific. Indeed, one hour after Japanese air squadrons had commenced bombing in the American island of Oahu, the Japanese Ambassador to the United States and his colleague delivered to our Secretary of State a formal reply to a recent American message. And while this reply stated that it seemed useless to continue the existing diplomatic negotiations, it contained no threat or hint of war or of armed attack.

It will be recorded that the distance of Hawaii from Japan makes it obvious that the attack was deliberately planned many days or even weeks ago. During the intervening time the Japanese Government has deliberately sought to deceive the United States by false statements and expressions of hope for continued peace.

The attack yesterday on the Hawaiian Islands has caused severe damage to American naval and military forces. I regret to tell you that very many American lives have been lost. In addition American ships have been reported torpedoed on the high seas between San Francisco and Honolulu.

Yesterday the Japanese Government also launched an attack against Malaya. Last night Japanese forces attacked Hong Kong. Last night Japanese forces attacked Guam. Last night Japanese forces attacked the Philippine Islands. Last night the Japanese attacked Wake Island. And this morning the Japanese attacked Midway Island.

Japan has, therefore, undertaken a surprise offensive extending throughout the Pacific area. The facts of yesterday and today speak for themselves. The people of the United States have already formed their opinions and well understand the implications to the very life and safety of our nation.

As Commander-in-Chief of the Army and Navy, I have directed that all measures be taken for our defense.

But always will our whole nation remember the character of the onslaught against us. No matter how long it may take us to overcome this premeditated invasion, the American people in their righteous might will win through to absolute victory.

I believe that I interpret the will of the Congress and of the people when I assert that we will not only defend ourselves to the uttermost but will make it very certain that this form of treachery shall never again endanger us.

Hostilities exist. There is no blinking at the fact that our people, our territory and our interests are in grave danger.

With confidence in our armed forces – with the unbounded determination of our people – we will gain the inevitable triumph – so help us God.

I ask that the Congress declare that since the unprovoked and dastardly attack by Japan on Sunday, December 7th, 1941, a state of war has existed between the United States and the Japanese Empire.”

- Franklin D. Roosevelt, December 8, 1941

The Further Adventures Of Snake And The Evil One

On this date in 1917 Finland obtained their freedom from Russia thus making today their Independence Day celebration. Also, Birthday wishes go out to British animator Nick Park of Wallace And Gromit fame.

Children (and adults alike) are funny, especially when it comes to song lyrics. One example is the Jimi Hendrix penned classic “Purple Haze”. The lyric says, “S’cuse me while I kiss the sky”; however, many people have been heard uttering along with this song by belting out, “S’cuse me while I kiss this guy”. Obviously, the meanings are very different from Jimi’s original intentions.

Last weekend while visiting my parents in Bama my sister, La Hermanna, called. Apparently, she was driving around with my nephews, Snake and The Evil One. Since the Christmas holiday is coming up shortly she, not unlike many other people, was listening to Christmas songs on the radio. A staple of the holiday season, “Little Drummer Boy” was playing. The Evil One decided that he wanted to get into the Christmas Spirit and sing along…”I played my drum for Him, my bum bum bum bum”. Kids are so adorable. I can’t wait to play him AC/DC’s “Big Balls”.